As you may have noticed, I've been gone for a bit.
Halfway through Mermay, I was stressed and was having anxiety attacks close to every day. I had overwhelmed myself. Again. Though I hadn't realized it until it was too bad to fix. So I stopped Mermay and essentially dropped off the face of social media and life.
I slept a lot. That's the thing about depression. You're just so exhausted and tired. When you think you can't possibly still be tired after sleeping 10 hours, surprise! More naps!
The healthy eating dropped because, well, I wasn't eating. Being vegetarian, or pescatarian like I am, means there aren't a lot of quick easy meals or fast food. When I'm in a depressive mood, if it takes too much effort then I can't bring myself to do it. So cooking is out which meant eating was out. With how busy we were with events and stuff happening in May, it took a few days for Rony to realize I'd hardly been eating anything but cereal like once a day.
I've talked about my depression a lot. Too much maybe. I've talked about having to let go of things I've created and not be involved and finally getting to work on my own things. And while I would have appreciated the break and time to myself, this isn't how I would have wanted it.
I didn't leave my house for at least a month, except to go to Silks class (I've been going for almost 4 months now so that's a positive). Rony actually dropped off art for some of the events I was participating in and I stayed home and slept. I had zero spoons for anything.
Social media presence has been close to nil and honestly, I may not go back to my before frequency. Once a week, if that. I need a writing release, but I also need to watch out for myself. We'll see how it goes.
I feel like finally the hibernation is loosening up and I'm feeling again and getting motivation. So many changes and events have happened and I want to write about it eventually. We visited both our families for family reunions and wedding. Mine and Rony's 4 year anniversary just passed. We've had a few relationship developments we'll share eventually. At the end of the month, we're moving out of the Pumpkin House. And my enamel pins are finally in!
It's a lot. I've gone through a lot and I think I'm getting better. Mind you, it's not like I've been a crying mess for two months. That's not how my depression works. But I haven't felt or wanted anything. I've been in a haze where I have little motivation to shower and eat, much less make art or write or go out. It's been this numb hibernation I can't seem to shake. But I think I'm getting there.
Anyways, I'm not dead, I'm not gone, but I am slowly waking up and figuring things out. Be patient. There's a lot going on and I hope it's all for the best.
Love you.
-Sam <3