Personal territory here. Be advised.
Self-discovery is an ongoing thing. You never really finish learning but sometimes you don't question enough things that seem concrete and settled. I'm learning that. Things I thought about myself aren't as permanent as I thought. The things I want change and the things I like as well.
I never thought I'd change my diet, be in charge of big things, drop out of college, etc. But I did. I'm not the same person I was ten years ago, a year ago, a few months ago.
Self-discovery is weird but good and can come at unexpected times.
During a discussion, Rony joked a while back and asked if I was sure I wasn't Asexual. I laughed but before I could think I said, "Maybe???"
Maybe I was. I'd never thought about it, but it kinda made sense.
Asexuality is the lack of or complete non-existence of a sex drive. You just aren't interested in sex. There are different types of asexuals like graysexuals and demisexuals where sometimes you have to be in a specific circumstance to feel those urges or where you feel them, you just have no desire to act on them. Sexuality is a crazy wide spectrum of differences and nuances and not everything has a name, but it exists.
And no, it's not that they just haven't had a good experience, aren't doing it right, or haven't found the right person. Asexuals just don't desire sex and that's okay.
I've never questioned my sexuality. I'm a straight, cisgendered woman of color. That's it. Nothing more. Permanent fact. But I don't think that's so anymore. I fell into a hole of research and Googling and questioning. Was I actually Asexual or just someone with a low sex-drive?
I'm not new to the LGBTQIA community. My grandmother is a lesbian. I grew up never realizing it was anything different. It wasn't until I was a bit older and got weird looks when I talked about my grandma and her girlfriend that I realized it wasn't the usual. But that didn't matter to me.
Most of my friends growing up were queer. Lesbian, gay, bi. They were wonderful people and why shouldn't they love who they wanted to.
I just never thought to question MY sexuality. But then again, this whole relationship stuff is still new to me. Rony is only my second long term boyfriend and the first was an awful on and off relationship in high school that ended after less than a year and we had never had sex. How was I suppose to know if I was Asexual? Sex was never a priority for either of us and I was new enough to dating that I wasn't going to throw it out there.
I attributed my lack of interest to uncertainty and never thought twice.
There's a heteronormative expectation on people. Most people are straight and cisgendered. it's the "default" to a lot of people. I didn't question it, never thought I could be queer or something was different with me. But as soon as the question was proposed, the straight label didn't fit.
So what am I?
I don't know. I'm new to this whole thing and still learning. I think I'm Graysexual which means I get urges but never feel like acting on them. Am I straight? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I always attributed my lack of sexual attraction to anyone not a man as me being straight but maybe it was just being asexual. I was expected to like men so I equated romantic attraction as sexual desire. It wasn't though. I'm attracted to a lot of women, I just don't want to have sex with anyone and I equated that with not being interested in women period.
It's weird and confusing but that's another thought and conversation.
Am I LGBTQIA? Yes, I think. There's the whole argument if Asexuals should be part of the LGBT and it's confusing and I'm just trying to adjust to one thing at a time.
It seems to be the hardest thing to wrap my brain around. I've always associated being queer with my friends and family but never myself. I was an Ally, that's mostly it. Now I may actually be asexual and bi or pan romantic? Who knows. I certainly don't. Not yet at least.
What does that mean for me? It's an adjustment. I feel more settled into my own skin but talking about it is still weird because it has nothing to do with my romantic inclinations, just my sexual and that's a weird conversation to talk about with other people besides my partner. Luckily, Rony has been very understanding and supportive. It's not that big a deal to him and he's learning. I'm learning. We're learning together.
Is this me coming out? I think so? I've never had to come out before. Yes, I think.
In one part of my brain, this whole thing is just not a big deal. I'm asexual. Cool. It doesn't affect my life and my goals and art all that much. On the other hand, it does. Something that I thought was wrong with me isn't and this guilt and confusion I've had is gone. It's an understanding that hey, something isn't wrong with you. You're just wired differently. It's a part of me so I should tell people. But it's still weird.
I have a lot to learn still. I want to learn more. There's a lot of adjusting in my brain and I'm still wrapping my head around it. Permanent facts are no longer as permanent and the foundation is shook, but I'm settling in now.
If you'd like any information on Asexuality feel free to read these!
http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/what-is-graysexuality/
And look up more if you'd like! We can all learn together :)
Thanks for taking the time and reading about me having an existential crisis!
-Sam <3