It's the week of the con which means the house is a mess, we're running around constantly, and we're pulling 8 hour work hours to get everything done in time. This year, Rony's got his own table so double the stress.
I've been in a funk mentally and the stress paired with being sick on and off (I've had awful back pain for the past 5 days) is all coming to a head.
Believe it or not, I'm actually far more prepared this time around than usual. Probably because I'm nixing the jewelry aspect of my business so I'm not making a thousand necklaces the night before. I have new prints, new zines, new stickers, a new display set up, new banner, and everything is good.
So obviously that means I should crank out 10 new art pieces the week before. Because that's not stressful. Some of it is good, some of it is okay.
I've learned to like my art and it's constant fluctuation of style because it makes things seem new every time. I like the art I'm producing and I think some people do too. But I've had this ongoing problem with feeling insecure about it. There's always a bit of nerves when I make new art. Is it good, will people like it, will it sell if I make prints? Is everyone's art better than it?
I know it's pretty much all in my head. I'm seeing friends and artists selling art and getting engagement on their posts and people commenting about how good it looks while I'm getting crickets. Everyone's prints and merch looks so nice and well made while I'm cutting 400 prints by hand and hand cutting stickers for 2 days because I can't afford to get things made for me and I'm cheap. It's the feeling of trying so hard and getting hardly nothing in return.
I think it's also the fact that I'm letting go of so much. Ladies Night, Lubbock Artist Collective, Pokemon Art Drop, Geek Girl Brunch. I'm passing them all on and I'm seeing them continue without me. I no longer have ten thousand different events to go to and my calendar is empty and while that makes me a bit happy (I can paint for myself and write again!), there's the feeling of being empty without these things.
I've talked before about how doing all these things feels like validation. You become the Go-To person, a mover and shaker, and then once it's gone who are you without it?
Right now I'm feeling jealous and tiny and insecure. I feel like I'm projecting that onto people I care about and my brain is paranoid that everyone hates me and my art sucks.
But I'm aware that this is my brain being weird. I'm looking in on the outside saying "Hey, that probably isn't true and you're just in a funk" while being in the actual funk. I'm stressed from the animals, not being able to clean the house, getting art done, and worried about sales and it's all culminating in this ugly mood.
One of my biggest sayings has been "Women Support Women" and I hate this awful paranoia I have right now because it goes against it. I love and support my friends and do not want to be jealous of them. My art is not like anyone else's art and they're art is not like my art. Some are good at certain things like talking to people and engaging or a certain art style that people like more while others are good at online sales and marketing and promoting themselves. Everyone is different and I need to start learning from others instead of being resentful.
I have friends that care. Yeah, I'm not great at reaching out and talking to them and I don't really comment on people's post, but I read them all and I care. I'm just a shitty introverted friend.
Brains are weird and we're in a competitive society. So I'm going to feel jealous now and then. I need to make sure I don't let it affect me and my attitude.
In a week, I won't have to con prep. I'll redo my store, organize the house, have a garage sale, and work on new things. Yes, I'm saying goodbye to a lot of things I created. But now I'll have more time to create new things and focus on myself.
Jealousy and insecurity are awful, but they happen. I won't let it affect me though.
Just one week. I can do this.
-Sam <3