You know what they say about best laid plans?
Well that plus add a plague coming out of nowhere and derailing everything.
It’s been a shit show here.
This is gonna be a long one.
Like most people, I had goals for this year and finally felt like I was getting on the right track to getting some semblance of my life together. I was reading more and getting back into writing, had started putting more focus on my art and store, was going to travel and make videos again and get myself out there and socialize. I was going to be happy and experience things before I turned 30.
What the fuck, man.
After the chaos of January, my full focus went on prepping for Lubbock-con. I had some personal stuff happening so it was easy to just drive my whole focus on it. It was scheduled for the end of February and by the time it rolled around, we had started dealing with the beginning stages of the pandemic. I had sanitizer, I was trying to stay as healthy as I could in a convention space, it would be fine. As you know, I have a lot of health issues. I didn’t feel like getting sick. By that time, reports were serious but not extremely worrying. America, right?
The art trail was right after that. I did better than I ever had before. There were so many people that I was swamped with trying to handle multiple people at once. It was getting warm, the weather was nice, everything was wonderful.
Hard to believe that was gonna be the last time I was in a crowd. It gives me anxiety now.
It was like watching a tidal wave. It hit the North first, mostly Seattle. Friends I’d made online posted everything and I watched as a city I loved because a hub for the virus. Then it slowly started making it’s way down and down and down. At work, there were whispers of working at home. I doubted that would happen with me, I work with physical money and so much paper. But we get people from everywhere coming through and I live in a college town with a university that gets people from all over the world. It was risky.
Finally, about mid-May, we had the meeting. I was being deemed essential and only a few were working at home. But they were going to tier work days for the first week while they figured out the plan. Me and one other coworker were going to work the next day, be off the following, and then we had a company holiday Friday (the day Animal Crossing came out, ironically). We’d regroup and get an email Sunday night. I stocked up on essentials and groceries that night. Toilet paper and dry goods were already disappearing. Luckily, I had fully stocked the animals food and supplies a couple weeks before because of a coupon.
We worked the next day and I made our entire process electronic. I figured it out on the fly and came up with it all in one day. It was messy and needed tweaking, but it could work. That day we had our first positive case in town. That night I got the call everyone was going to be off work the rest of the week now. The next day, I got the call I would be remote 24/7 due to my health and my coworkers would only go in a couple days a week for a few hours and then be remote the rest of the time. They dropped off my work equipment that weekend with my post-it notes still attached to everything.
I was officially in quarantine full time.
I’ve been home ever since. That was March 19th.
A couple weeks later we escalated to a city-wide mandatory Stay-At-Home order. That was the last time I got to see my friends or anyone in person. Online became a network. Who needs what, how is everyone doing, who is out of a job and needs help. I tried however I could. During these times, it’s up to the those who are stable and doing well to help those who aren’t. Friends rallied together and are still rallying now.
I started making masks.
The unfortunate downside to having health issues and being high risk is you have to be extra careful now. Sanitize everything. The groceries, the mail, anything something else may have touched. The virus hits people differently and unexpectedly. I’ve watched as the symptoms and signs keep changing wildly. For the first month, I had a thermometer on my desk that I’d check every time I felt too cold or hot almost obsessively. My routines that I needed so much had evaporated so my depression was inching back into unstable. I played Youtube videos that were just the sounds of a city or office for the first week while I worked because it was too quiet. The one time I had to go into a store, less than 5 minutes to grab more dog food, I almost had an anxiety attack and almost hyperventilated.
No one was being careful enough.
I was working with the mindset of not “if” I get the virus, but “when” I get it. I’ve never bought so much medicine to prep just in case. I knew it wouldn’t be good if I got it.
And then the first week of working from home, Almond got seriously injured. The theory is she was hopping off the back fence trying to see what was going on in the alley and gouged herself on a branch. But there she was, with a three inch size hole on her inner elbow, bone and muscle gleaming at me and a flap of skin hanging off. I felt sick. She didn’t even cry. I drove her to the vet where they weren’t allowing anyone in, just curbside check in and they would come get her from the car themselves. Immediately after getting her, they got us inside to a room. She got in fast but they were going to have to sedate her and see if they can stitch it. It was deep. Hopefully the skin wouldn’t die off.
I went back home and back to work then picked her up later that day. It was a difficult night with her not being able to lay down or do anything with the placement of the wound. She couldn’t kneel, crouch, really even walk without help. I couldn’t get her to stop panting and pacing so most of the night was a struggle.
The one thing I’m grateful for all this is I was able to be home to help her.
A week later she got her bandage off to let it start healing. Then it started going wrong. The skin started to dissolve. The stitches weren’t even attached to anything and she wasn’t eating. She was lethargic. I had to take her back. Within a week, I took her to the vet probably 6 times. The skin had died and now had to be treated as an open wound. Full bandages changed every couple days. It was a lot to deal with. I hardly got sleep and cried so much and now I was fully alone having to take care of myself and all the animals and an injured dog.
Every couple days, I took her to the vet. I’d check in over phone call, wait, and a vet tech would get Almond from the car and give me an update through a cracked window. Both of us wore masks. I’d take her back home, work, try to update my shop since all art events were canceled and I was having to figure out how to make up the cost, cover Almond’s new expenses, and cover bills. Once a week, I did a grocery pickup for an order I made a couple days before cause the slots were filled up. Half the stuff would be out by then. I was getting sick, probably from anxiety.
That was life. I worked constantly on the shop and my day job, helped Almond, made masks for friends or anyone that needed them. I would trade with them. Some friends made be a garden table in exchange for masks. I didn’t have a sewing machine at first so a friend lent me hers in exchange for masks. People donated fabric, elastic, whatever I needed for masks. That first couple weeks I made 20. I think at this point I’ve made over 100 and am making more this weekend. I don’t like to set a price. Either they offer to trade or I tell them to pay what they can afford.
Sometimes people only pay a few dollars, sometimes they pay $15-$20 for one mask. I let them pay what they’re comfortable with and it would covers costs (I ended up finding and buying my own sewing machine). I never complained if someone paid me $10 for 4 masks. I just wanted people to be safe.
Meanwhile, my own online shop was blowing up and I was dealing with a drastic increase in orders. I did two resin bookmark restocks and both sold out. I was, ironically, financially stable for once. So I did what friends had done for me.
When you’re stable, you help those that are aren’t.
I would try to send extra money I had from making masks to friends and family that needed help or were out of work. Or I would try and put that into local businesses or buy from local artists. Curbside orders from friend’s shops, ordering online on their store, getting dinner pickup from a small restaurant. Anything to help. It felt wrong to keep the money.
It took over a month for Almond to heal. She still has a gnarly scar and a tiny millimeter sized hole on her inner elbow that won’t close up. She’s back to being a brat who yells at me when I don’t do what she wants immediately and everyone schedules are all scrambled. I’ll have to get them back on routine soon.
In a few days, I’ll have been in quarantine for 2 months. It’s been that long since I’ve seen anyone. It’s been hard. I’ve cried a lot and felt so alone. I Facetime people when I can, have watched Netflix and played Animal Crossing with friends, regularly play Overwatch and other games online and sometimes just stay on mic to talk while cleaning or doing mundane stuff. But I miss hugs. I miss just being in a room with someone.
They lifted the mandatory Stay-At-Home a couple weeks ago but it’s still risky. Friends have gotten infected or come into contact with other people. No one is being careful anymore. I don’t see as many masks as before and everyone is crowded together. The first day the order lifted I accidentally went viral on Facebook locally for posting about a bar that had opened and wasn’t following regulations, people crowded around together. No masks. I was angry. It was less than a block from my house.
It’s so easy to get infected.
I don’t go out into stores because I’m scared to die. Do I miss it? Yes. I cried in my car because just walking into a store and browsing without a mask seems like such a privilege and luxury right now. And I don’t have that yet. I’ve gotten sick just from my own problems multiple times already during all this. Adding this new virus on top is terrifying.
The tide has turned from everyone being in this together to anger and how dare we be forced at home. I’m constantly worried. Texas, no one tells us what to do, right?
But I’m still able to be home so that’s where I’m staying for the rest of May, at least. I’m making art, I’m making masks, I’m trying to help, I’m trying to tend my garden and talk to friends and baking bread and one day I’ll get to the dishes and I’m cleaning cleaning cleaning and trying to remember to change my clothes and if I stop this will all crush me so I can’t stop. If I stop, the isolation and loneliness will knock me on my ass and I’m not sure I can get it.
I’m burning out, probably, but I’m scared to stop because this new reality isn’t what I imagined the year would be. And it’s heartbreaking. Like I told a friend, there’s also a bit of survivor’s guilt. I have my job, I can stay safe at home while others can’t. Relaxing doesn’t seem fair.
Best laid plans.
One day, maybe. But not this year.
For today though, I’m going to finish this blog, work, try and will myself to do the dishes, pack up more orders, Facetime while playing Animal Crossing, maybe order dinner that’s not soup after having been sick for a few days, and I’ll keep going for now.
I hope wherever you are, you’re safe. If you are quarantined with someone, hug them. It’s such small thing but it is a privilege right now. One I don’t have. If you are alone like me, animals are good substitutes for now. Stuffed animals are a good third. Please just stay safe, wash your hands, sanitize everything that you get from outside your home, wear a goddamn mask and don’t take it off to talk and make sure it’s over your nose. Keep busy and find things that make you happy.
Stay brave
I love you
-Sam <3