Spring Break has come and gone. I work a full time job so I didn't get a whole week off, but I did get an extra two days and that was nice.
I took the week off blogging to give myself a refresh.
I'm happy to report that I finished all my deadlines. The Ladies Night flyer art is done, I finished all my commissions, and the only things I have on the books are two events late next month that I don't really have to prep for and a painting for a museum event that I already have planned. But nothing pressing. No looming deadlines, no stress. Nothing.
So in natural fashion, my anxiety is through the rough and I don't know what to do with myself. For the past 3 years I've had constant events. I was planning months in advance, getting things scheduled, rushing to do art and do things around the town.
My identity is completely wrapped in these events. It's how people know me, it's how I hang out with people. If you want to get a hold of Sam, go to her events!
And now I'm experience a kind of crisis. I'm passing these things I created off to other people. I'm not needed. My phone isn't blowing up and I'm not running around everywhere.
It's an awful feeling. The feeling that no one really likes you, just the opportunities and things you create. You invite everyone else to participate, but no one invites you. You're a figure, not a person. And no one really needs you if you aren't created things.
For all my work, sometimes I still feel like an outsider.
Once upon a time, I didn't run events.
I use to do daily vlogs on Youtube. I did them every single day for over a year or two. I wrote stories online. I painted and when I was done, I put the painting in the corner and moved onto the next one. Eventually we started doing fun little geek trivia nights at our house with my best friend and that was the most socialization I did.
Everything I did, I did for me because I loved it. I loved filming my day and painting and writing and hanging out with my friends.
The downside of pursuing art as a career and building it is that you don't get as much free time as you want. You don't do as many things for yourself. I like what I do now, but there's something about things being simpler years ago.
I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do now. Prepping and saving up for moving is number one on my life, but I know myself. I need to keep busy or I sink into a hole that's hard to get out of. I need to give myself deadlines, give myself projects. No events, but things to further my own art.
I'm starting up my Youtube channel again, but changing it. I can't monetize it because of the new rules (thanks, Youtube), but I never really cared about that aspect. I loved doing vlogs, but I want it to focus on my art now. My life as an artist.
I filmed for the first time this weekend. We stayed up at a coffee shop for about 4 hours drawing while Rony had a meeting, and playing with our new Posca markers. I started on my Collections zine. I started drawing comics again. I missed doing #Workcomics but with my current job, I can't really do them at work. And not being limited to Post-It notes is very freeing.
(I have a couple up on my Instagram already if you want to read them!)
I'm drawing designs for no reason, just because. Eventually I want to fill up a sketchbook with just illustrations and practice sketches and doodles. Besides Inktober, I've never filled up a Sketchbook. For the month of May, I'm doing Mermay! I'll be drawing a mermaid every day for the month!
Just by setting a few of these goals and starting these projects, I noticed that I'm drawing all the time now and I'm having fun doing it. Sitting down and editing my first video was nostalgic. I felt happy and wasn't worrying about if other people disliked me or if I should start up an event just for the sake of it.
Things are going to be different and I need to adapt to that.
I need to let go. Let go of the junk in my house, of needing validation through others, of my own high standards. For the longest time I would say that I wish I had free time to do so and so. Now I do and I need to appreciate it while I can.
I'm going to redo my Youtube channel, my website, my accounts. I'm going to set schedules for myself and focus down on doing what I love. I'm going to start drawing for myself and painting and reading books and watching movies and playing with the dogs and snuggling and exercising and laughing.
It's time to move on and do something for me.
That's not to say that I don't want to help people, but it's time to let other people make the opportunities.
So keep an eye out on my Youtube for the new video. I'm wanting my videos to focus more on my art and day in the life type of vlogs. I'm going to keep making as many comics about mine and Rony's life as I can think of.
The website is going to change. I want it to have more of a focus as a portfolio, but the blog is staying. It just won't be as front and center.
Thanks to everyone for putting up with mopey, depression, everyone-hates-me Me. It's a lot to deal with but I appreciate those that reached out to me and send me kind works.
To new adventures
-Sam <3