In a few days, it’ll be my birthday.
For a while, for New Years and my birthday, I would make goals and lists in an attempt to better myself. Better my life. This year is the same and different.
I can say with certainty and sadness, the past two years depression won out over me. Life threw mountains of problems and crushed me under them all and I didn’t have the strength to get free. While there were sprinklings of progress and achievements, the years passed by in a blur of exhaustion and crying and sleep. Depression takes a mental and physical toll. Weight loss, loss of appetite, constant exhaustion. It’s all been a blur.
I’ve been in a hole, trying to climb up and catch a glimpse of light, not knowing whole seasons had passed me by in the darkness. I’ve always been trying, but it never seemed enough.
And then in a blink of an eye, I’m turning 29. One year until 30.
I still don’t feel it. I’m just a teenager, ill-equipped and socially awkward, struggling to work up the courage to call the doctor and navigate bills and feed herself. I forget to take off makeup, eat lunchables when I’m too tired to make a real meal, and my laundry is bigger than myself. I’m not an adult, don’t feel like one, but I guess I am.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe I thought I was going to get married and have a family and all that stuff. I can barely take care of myself.
I have spent most of my life fighting towards goals. I worked throughout high school, no time for parties or fun because I needed to be responsible. I didn’t have a drinking party phase. I was going to be a writer, a game developer, an artist. Go to college, get a degree. Be published by the time I was 18. You don’t reach your goals and get what you want by fooling around. And now here I am, years of not having fun but not yet achieving what I had wanted.
So what do I do? I’ve wasted two years in a fog. I’m not that heartbroken over turning 30, I know it’s not the end of the world. Once upon a time, either because some deep sense of dread or nightmares, I was convinced I was going to die at 22 (I didn’t) so I never developed a fear of turning 30. But I still don’t feel like I’ve achieved enough for the milestone.
Maybe I have high standards for myself.
I can’t say “this is the year I’m going to try” because I’ve been trying. But this is the year I need to make some changes.
My body is falling apart. I had so many health issues this past year I’m in debt now. Sickness after sickness. I need to start taking care of it. Eat better, work out, get it under control. I need to make routines to keep my depression and anxiety in check. We share this body, there isn’t any getting rid of them, but cohabitation can exist. Depression can be controlled. I’m aiming for without meds first, but that’s the backup plan.
I want to train the dogs. Not only so I can take them places and on walks and trips, but because it’ll make them happier which will make me happier. They’re both 70+ lbs and can drag me off my feet so training might be a necessity on my own.
I want to get back into Youtube and blogging and sharing what I love. As dumb as it sounds, I’ve put my life on the internet since I was a teenager. I’ve made content for over 10 years. I once vlogged every single day for at least two years. It was my diary, a digital photo album. It’s a part of me that I don’t want to disappear and even if it’s not a money maker, it’s still an outlet to share what I love.
And I want to have more adventures. Try new things. Get things in order and finally feel like my life is back together. If I have some goals, something to work on, I won’t focus as much on the sad things.
I don’t want this to be another year wasted. It’s not going to be easy, nothing has been and life has been enjoying throwing one thing after another at me. But I want to at least go into my 30’s thinking that I’ve made some progress.
I’ll post the bucket list/goal list/whatever soon to have it posted somewhere and I’m working on video ideas. Art stuff isn’t getting put on the back burner, I do have the art studio for all of 2020, but I want to figure out a more steady schedule so I stop burning out. I can find a balance.
So here’s to 2020, the year I turn 29.
Let’s hope for the best
-Sam <3